Thoughts of the passing of my father

So those of you who know me or read my work regular. You are well aware I was and am the black dog in the family. So much of the last 20 years my relationship with family has been very nil. Leaving me with different emotions over the years tangling my brain. Yes it hit me about alot of things. As a child it was always fighting for dads attention which of course is wrong. I have raised my kids in a way where they never have to wonder if they are loved or not. I would see my brothers and dad here and there over the years. See the thing most dont realize, I am drama free 100% I dont allow it in my life and if it becomes apart of me. I push,walk or run away. Never because of being a coward or anything. Just have no time for it or room for that shit in my mind. I spent many moments in life trying to be accepted by my dad,but my brothers were always who he chose. At which many many moons ago,I just gave up trying. For that I was growing up, I have a most fucking stellar life,I am not rich in funds. But rich in love and support from inside my own house hold and stellar friends. I spent many years and even up til the day he died. Asking myself where the fuck did I ever go wrong and turned out being nothing to my family. I had this eternal pain following me for many many years. Emotional you could say in some big ways,I just was a mess inside. I wondered always how could anyone have a child and just give up on them. From the age of 15 I have been on my own and never went back for anything. The pain I suffered over and over was too much on the mind. I had always tried to bond with my dad. Everytime I brought him out,all he did was talk about my brothers or my brothers kids. So not only is that sad to me and so heart breaking. But was a utter insult to my kids everytime. Now in 22 years, he had only been to my place about 14 times,only seen him about 25 or 30 times in that and being in the same city for most of that. Like 15 minute drive close too. I tried many times,more for my kids at this point to have grand parents on both sides. But he only had interest in my brothers kids. This was so heart breaking to my wife at this point as well. Both for me and the kids,it was a sad thing to sit and watch. If I was in the area,I always gave the kids the option to visit. But they would say,for what ?so he can talk about Uncles kids. I could be standing across the room and no one would come and see me. For years it was humiluating if I was in public and I seen him. See for reference in this post, I refer to them as family. In person I would say it is the family that raised me til 15. Anyway so having this separation over the years my heart got stronger and so did my mind. Then I just blocked out any emotion or feeling for them,I surpressed what memories I did have. In a huge unbreakable box in my back of mind. Went on too long being left on the sidelines,now I said fuck them and gave up. In a way no one would understand,cause family is not just family or just your blood. Family can destroy,wreck,hurt so bad. Life does not matter if it is family or not. No one should allow that kind of pain and stay. No one should be forced to love either. For 25 years they have all had Christmas dinner. Not once was my family ever invited,sad thing is for the little times my kids seen my mom or dad over 18 years"my oldest" to them. They still respected them to the tee,not so much my brothers kids. They talk to them like shit,my kids ever disrespected them. I bust a smack across their ass. So having the more respectable kids did not mean shit,having the most normal and drama free life never mattered. See most being alcoholics,I am not and not even close. Rarely drink,but they would always tell me if I was around that it ruined their buzz. Well fuck me I did well there... And yes I look down on drama filled places and liquor induced house holds. I grew up with that shit,fuck if I want it or the drama that follows as a adult. So when my dad first told me he was getting sick, I was mixed about it. Not sure how to deal with it,but then the day came for the first major hospital visit came. That hit me hard like a bloody brick. I was not a wreck,but hurt. I was 43 years old and can honestly say that in that time. I have no really fond memories,felt no love from him. That ruined me for weeks thinking like that. But it was not me who chose this,was them and him. Took alot of my friends to remind me that for those few weeks. I get asked alot,do you love them?. Hard question to give anyone,I can be blunt about it. But people still dont understand,But try this,Your a little kid,little bad,nothing major. And you are stuck with a family,are there til your old enough to leave. But you are just there,not much more. More like a burden to your so called parents. Could you feel loved,cared for,get your ass whooped every other day and etc. I bloody doubt it,for those who would say "Oh God be with you" I prayed alot for him sleeping on the streets at 14 and 15 years old,everytime my ass got whooped. No lesson to be learned from that so called man. I got nothing,not even a sign or relief. Needless to say,I have no faith in that brainwashing.. Anyway drifting here.. I just lost me and every positive thought blaming myself. I had a melt down or two over these next few months to come with him. I would go to hell and back ten fold. So during his stay at the hospital,I happened to be doing contract work there. So every break,every lunch,after work I went to see him. Sometimes 4 or 5 times a day. This is where my emotions and anger starting eating me up really bad. During these visits he was silent through most,played on his cell phone,I tried just small talk mostly and he would ignore me. Had not much to talk about,but I was trying to bond still. But he would say you can leave,your brothers coming by. But they never showed,for all these hosptial stays he had until the last one took him. Yes I did feel sorry for him,I know it sounds bad to you. But really I had no one in life with family to share my life with. I was not so happy to be there only. I seen my brothers show up twice,of course I think they are fucking losers. No doubt about that. My brothers worked with dad for last 25 years,they spent alot of time together. But bailed on him when he was in need of them. In a respectable way because he was my dad,I thought I should be there feeling mostly sorry for him cause no one was around. I still get a little mad at myself for putting myself through that. I was just like a child again,a burden. I was made to feel like I forced him to my visits. That is what kind of careless people I am supposed to love,cherish and be there for. . So anyway few weeks later he got released,I had helped him with appointments and etc.my brother even helped for a few. So the next time he went to the hospital,I was called by my older brother to take him in. I was out of town and asked why my little brother that lived down the street,could not take him. Because he was apparently busy,I wanted to smash his face in so bad. I went to grab dad in morning and the little fucker was down the street at his house. Yes too lazy to do anything,my dad did everything for that little bitch brother. When he needed them most,they bailed on him. So anyway I took him in,he only had a short stay this time. Few days only this time,so now my dad asked to have a Family picture of all the grand kids and his 3 son's together. I tried for months with my brother,so arrogant. Well it never happened,we all got together for those pictures,but him. Little cocky and arrogant prick sent his one kid but not the other. That hurt my dad and all my kids lost all respect for him. So when he bailed on that from dad,yes to this day I would like to smash his arrogant and stuck up ass. So about a week after those pictures,he went to hospital for the last time. I was there almost daily to see him,this is where I started to fade away. I never wanted redemption from my dad EVER for not being there in my life. But I wanted to hear "I am proud of you for what you accomplished",or you got fabulous family or I love you son. Just fucking anything besides my brothers this and my brothers that. Nope,what I got was him telling me straight out,he only wants his other son's there. See my brother always kept me out of touch alot,I have no respect for neither  in anyway at all. Anyway I thought it was the drugs at first with him,then over next few days. He said it more and more,so I was just distraught,sad,emotional wreck and mad as fuck. I was literally with a man that was only a relation of blood too me. That obviously never wanted me there,made it clear daily. I sat there like a man daily,trying to hold my peace and my control. Feeling like a complete moron and loser at times.. Holding in those emotions was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted to act strong and not let him see it was getting to me. I wanted to let him see,I was the only one there and he lost out not being a part of my life.. It was hard,I still ask myself daily why I was so pushed away. In our family they are all into drama,backstabbers,alcoholics and just assholes. I am proud of myself for sticking by his side,but not. I am in some ways ashamed of myself,ashamed because I put myself and my house hold through my moods and heart break. On the day before he died,he looked me right in the eyes and asked me to leave and stated he did not want me to come back. "I almost fainted" I just died a little inside,but was the last draw for me. That he only wanted my brothers there,it just took a huge chunk out of me. I cried and my heart bled inside for hours knowing that even on his death bed he never gave a fuck about me. In the end it brings me to love my own children more and encourage them and others others to stay close and shed love. I tried and I know I have no guilt really now in anyway. But for weeks it killed me,I was not there the night he died. But the night before and he was looking rough. I said I love you and he never ever said I love you back,just asked me not to come back. Only still trying to get me to get my brothers up there to see him. I am still so mad inside at my brothers over it. Those cowards just burned him,the only thing my dad cared about was making them happy and slaving for them. I have always shown my parents respect as a adult,of course I admit I was a little bad mouth to my parents when younger. My brothers treat them like shit at free will,so I never understood that at all. But yet even as a adult,I am the black dog. I still to this day have not dropped a tear or had a emotion over his passing. During my visits I broke down alot,sometimes wanting to just smash something or someone. Some of you reading might think that is cold. But just because someone is your blood,dont mean you have to take their shit. And if someone in your life does not wanna be a part of it,well give them that. They are the one's who suffer on that bed to the passing of their life. So over all of this,I realized no matter how perfect,good or stellar you are. You are just not a fit for family or friends sometimes. I have written off my brothers and mother as I did before. I am not a emotion chaser,either you want my love or fuck off. I realized also with his death that I was not meant for that family,they all are stuck in drama ruts and hatred ruts. I dont live that way and dont ever care too. Now to look back always trying to find fond memories to tell my kids,that is hard. I was not around much after 15 years old,so I cant say much at all. I chose at a younger adult state to live my life my way,to only include people worth something to me. I dont ever believe this I have to be someone's friend or family shit. Like our minds are ours in life,family may give you blood and life. But you make your own life and that is something I wanted and needed. In order from me to do that, I had to stay away from my toxic family. I dont wanna be dragged down like them. They have not changed in anyway over the years,they have got worse. Sad part about dad passing,was my kids had to come up to me in a shameful way. To say dad,I dont know how to feel about grampa. They had no feelings,I told them that is ok. He was not really ever apart of their lives either. Shit none of them did really,sometimes my older brother when he is not lost in a bottle or his wife would. Rare like Unicorn rare. I cant tell my kids like myself to love someone who barely knows you exist. Would make me a bad parent to force any love on my kids. In my lesson in this,I regret some ways yes for sticking around at the hospital. Feeling sorry for him caused me anger,hurt and just some messed up thoughts. So there was no doubt I needed some guidence as a young kid,but beating my ass and kicking me out. Well that all happened before I was 19 and I been pretty fucking stellar guy and grow yearly. I spend my days reminding people,you choose who you want love from and who you wanna give yours too. Now I know for some of you this might make no sense to your heart. But it did to mine and that is all that matters,was my happiness and nobody else's. No one should ever have to feel alone having family. My dad was not great to me,but acknowledged me here and there. My mother traumitized me as a kid,she whooped my ass sometimes til I was so numb it stopped hurting. He had only smacked me a few times,so I thought I owed it be there. My advice to anyone else,if you have this experience being a black dog. I dont recommend giving up. But dont let it destroy you,nobody should be allowed to do that to you. Judge me if you want,dont care. If you were as alone as me,would you love still. I went on for my first 20 years not really knowing love til I met my wife and her family.I felt like I belonged somewhere. I will never return to my mothers house,I have nothing to say. Be strong and whether you a black dog,cast out,delinquent. You still have a heart,mind and feelings. Let no one break you. Cheers

Be groovy

Be stellar

and 

Always be

YOU.

Rudi Jensen