Hurting over family posts

So like the title says,hurting over family posts. Sometimes it breaks me a little deep down,I never let it surface although anymore. So I have a family I created and love and look forward to going home to see daily. I enjoy talking to my daughter a province over and etc. But I have no mom and dad to go back and visit. I see it daily on social media or speaking with friends or meeting strangers. I hear about people going home to connect with mom and dad or siblings. How special they felt and how warming the visit is. I love to hear the stories,but it really saddens me deep to the core. Breaks my heart that I have not had that since 15 years old. Dont get me wrong I have a mom in town 15 minutes from me. But she has not changed since I was a kid,she is not a loving or nice women. Sometimes I get down in the dumps and ponder what it would be like to be able to say to my friends. That I went to unwind at mom and dad's for a weekend. My dad has passed away a year ago. But even alive there was nothing,I have my days where I dont think about it. And then days where I miss being a part of something besides what I created. I raise my kids to stay close and use my family as a example to what not to grow up like. I dont have that home away from home. Sometimes throughout the years,it was really hard to embrace and grasp. From such a young age it was hard to know,you are on your own so naive and alone in this big world. I had friends to see,but that is not the same. We all need and want that home feeling with our parents. Today is that day where I wish I had some parents to tell me they are proud of me or they love me. Been 20 years since I heard my parents say I love you. I had a life I wanted to share with them. I changed and grew up,but they never did. Even dad on his death bed could not say it. I craved those words before he died for a while,but then thought wtf ever at times as I do now. I always just think that it is their loss to how special I became,my kids and so many people I inspire. But I promote family as much as possible to anyone,I grew up such a sad and heart broken young man. Took me a long time to let love into my life in fear of losing it. I am still like that to this day. I am shy at heart for anyone entering,not a wall. Just super cautious about opening my heart that big. Has nothing to do if someone is special enough to enter my heart and mind. I guess even the most positive and happy go lucky people have heart break to go through. So holidays and summer usually makes me feel it seeing all the vacation posts. Never have I really been jealous,I just wish I never existed through most of it growing up. I see so many families being so close,but then I see so many that are so broken also. So of course it does not bother me that much that it messed me up as a adult. I am more then happy how my kids turned out from my oldest daughter living away with her little girl. To the kids I still have home and their loving ways. But seeing a family with gramma and grampa. That still bothers me,my kids dont even really have cousins,aunts or uncles. So yah I get my baby going on seeing stuff like that. I guess overall I just have feelings of things I missed in life with parents. So I guess being broken for so long growing up,made me a very over protective father and inspirational. So the moral of any family is you can stay close and live a full life or you can fall,fail and be disregarded from one another. It is all up to us in the end to decide how long,how powerful and how broken we will be over it or if it will break us. Me it was a very long time I was broken and stuck in some deep dark thoughts of loneiness. I will always be a tad emotional inside watching a full out family with everyone from 2 or 3 generations together. Not like you can rent a Mom and dad. Right.?

Rudi Jensen