Kids

Just that word makes you smile unless you hate them. Other then that we think of smiles,laughter,the hilarious shit they can say to us. One thing I have always admired the energy levels of some kids. They go on and on like no tomorrow,like a battery that loses no juice. Considering how much they are like clock work with being notty little shits at certain points and ages. Oh we all have stories but those moments. I have watched all mine have some moments. Like my second born at like about month old,her mother was changing her shitty diaper and BOOM....toxic shit was everywhere. All over mom,change table and the wall,shelves,that shit blew,yes right the fucking wall. I mean exploding shit I was not kidding. Now myself I am a damn snowflake when it comes to human puke and shit. I was heaving like I was trying to bring up a organ. Yes laugh you bastards I am not finished so you can laugh some more. That time was not the worst,this one time at home alone. Yup disaster it was,so my son had this shit,I swear it was like tar and glue mixed together. It smelled like I stuck my head up a dead cows ass and took a deep breath. I was gagging and heaving so bad,I puked on the poor guy trying to clean his ass. I had to leave the room fast before I puked again. So next move was a towel,yuppers wrapped that fucker around my face. I was still heaving kid yourself not. Yes laugh,So I tried like 40 bloody wipes and a cloth to clean this shit. Gagging and heaving like no tomorrow, fuck no I might as well scrub a dirt pile with a tooth brush. So I said bud I feel bad,he gonna have a raw ass from cloth. So I picked him up and took him to shower and held him out. Ha ha laugh all you want that shit was not coming off. Reason I held him,I never ever wanted to explain my kid got a bump on his head because he slipped in his own shit. "Pun" My kids made fun of me all the time,if I gagged when they got older. I would pay them to take over,lol. I know bad right,well fuck you. Try when home alone,cleaning a shitty area that you puked on as well. A guy like me gonna puke some more and have more to clean,lol. Ewww is all I got to say,would take me half hour easy for it just to manage my stomach. Towel and mask,screw that cover your face with arm shit. That is a fucking myth 500%,lol. So yes lots of daddy pukes. Now to be honest I have puked just smelling the shit across the room ha ha right. Total shit wimp I am.. So in our house each of the kids was a comedian in every aspect. Well of course they get that from me,like serious. Anyway from my oldest to the youngest the one liner come backs,shit heads. They make fun of me if they got the chance,of course to just batter my feelings. Kidding we all have tight bonds and play games. Well my youngest can still be a pest at...umm yah most times lol. Chores and kids are just hilarious here with the wheels and deals to get chores done. Shit they trade moments,games,t.v times,really neat to watch them bargain. Sit back and see who would make the better business man or women. My youngest that kid is swift,he always triples his money at school. Buys it cheap and takes it to the kids who never go anywhere cause they stuck in video games. So those that follow my work know we a pretty tight family. We truly miss my oldest as she such a huge part of our family. She lives far away so we never get to see her so much. But sure do miss all the fun times all together as a whole family. Now my kids will prank you as much as possible and scare the shit out of you. Well I have to fake it sometimes as I am not easy to scare in anyway. But the mom,sisters and brothers. Ha ha our house was always filled with a scream over it. My oldest daughter just pranked me stating she was getting married WTF Grrrr I was thinking so young and all. But little shit monger just pranked me,pay backs are such a bitch. Once this kid was holding its shirt open while walking down the street,whatcha doing bud I asked. Well letting my stomach breathe was the answer,wow so funny. Like I love the imagination of kids. So here at my house I had this drain pipe in the basement that kids when little were always clogging. Finally one day I said fuck it,gonna flood my house,so smart guy I am. Time to fuck with the kids,took them all downstairs to the laundry room. Asked them,"Do you know why I bitch about you guys playing here with this?" They were like nooo in low voices. I said because I love you all so much. I dont want you to be eaten,they were like wtf is he talking about. You could see their little brains flowering with thoughts. I told them that there is a huge snake in there that would eat them. Even more fucked up looks came out of them and I was now losing them. So plan B was to terrify them,so I said fine you wanna fuck around. Put your hand in there and see what happens.....silence the attention was mine again. So next was to traumatize them from doing it again. So I said dont ever try this,but I will get the snake to come up and show you. Took the grate off and swirled a pen in water and when I seen the attention span leave their eyes for a minute. Was my chance to kill this shit,so I slammed my arm in the hole with a panic look on my face. All of them jumped back fast,I swished my arm around like I was stuck in said snakes mouth.. I know you thinking wtf you traumatize your kids for,cause they are mine I will say.lol. Anyway I flew back quick and slammed the the lid back on the hole. I was like lets bounce out of here before it gets pissed off. We went up stairs and it was silent for a while. Then I overheard them talking about how scared they were,lol.. BOOM JOB WELL DONE.. So was not till all of them were in mid teens I admitted when they asked me. Ha ha. Monsters and the stories kids tell,well my oldest daughters was petrified of monsters. So one day I went in her room and asked where it was. She pointed in the closet,I went in there and made a bunch of banging and noises like punches and kicks were being thrown down. Few minutes later I emerged from the closet,messy hair and one arm out of my shirt. I said,"Sweety it is gone,was hard. Was very tough monster" she was like wtf terrified she could of lost dad,lol. I know,but thenn that wtf look turned into omg I love you dad. Then she asked where it went, I needed quick thinking. So i said I ate it,she was hard to convince. So the next day at breakfast my tummy growled loud. She asked what was that,well boom fear gone. I told her it was the monster inside of me,she came over and I swallowed air,it growled loud. Monster problem #1 gone. woot. Now Maximis that kid is fricking smart,I ate like 5 monsters with him. Finally this one terrified him bad,so I need a gooder to convince this kid. So I as most parents,want my sleep. We cant get mad at kids because of monsters,just life. So I got my lover to take him to bottom of stairs. I grabbed a hair brush and a red marker,lightly scratched my arms and smeared some marker on me for grab marks. Went in the room and just trashed books on floor,flipped his matress up and pillows. Emptied the dresser"of course I cleaned it up" anyway at one point I tried to come out the door and made it look like I was being dragged in the room. Remember this is at some late hour of the night. So i am half asleep but not gonna get any with this shit. So I banged around for at least 20 minutes,then I went BOOM,gone and crawled out of room slowly. He came up the stairs to me and asked if I was I ok. I said bud it is gone,he says sorry he hurt you dad. I was like no worries he is gone. I was like wanna hear him and put his head on my tummy and swallowed air. Well it growled loud as fuck,he was convinced. But then for like 3 or 4 weeks he would always come up to me. Said dad can I hear the monster,lol..So I would lay his head on my tummy and swallow air,boom he would hear it grwol. Sometimes it would be so hard not to laugh. Cause he would sa," Dad it is really mad in there,what if he gets out ?" ha ha.. My one boy would always  when outside piss through the crack in the neighbors fence,when asked. He would just say,I don't know. Like ha ha but no matter what he would still do it told or not. So we all have aour fair share of stories,one thing for sure is I have many because I got 5 kids,lol. Not that I win stories you have,just got many. Whetehr you enjoy the memories or not,it is always nice to watch our children grow into bigger creatures to lurk. I love my 5 like no tomorrow and have no plans on stopping. Thanks for reading now go and think of some funny stories. Rudi Jensen