Me with feelings and the words I love you

So I have never been much one to throw the words I love you out there to just anyone. I guess in someways my up bringing,everything I ever loved. Went away from me,so I never got really close to anyone until my children. I would be with someone for years,but never let them get in my head. Well sometimes people get in your head more then we will know until that day comes. I am not a fist bumper,hand shaker or hugger kinda friend. Lover like that yes,that is not subject. . Does not mean I have no feelings towards my friends,any true friend knows where my loyalty lies. I have few I can say I have opened my heart too in any case over the last 35 years. Alot of people think I am just a total loving and inspirational guy. Though I am,I am also very cold towards some, not letting them get near my heart. People who don't push for my time to know me,I dont and won't. I have become comfortable being alone when needed. But until I met my kids mom,love was just a painful word I had experienced for my first 18 years til I met her. The day I stated I loved her and months to follow. I asked for her to marry me and her love and her love for life. From that day forward,I was triggered in fear of losing it. Even with her,my actions were loving,but my words are scarce about love to anyone else. I have lost so many friends and family over the years. Never let a tear or a sad feeling come about,not that I never cared alot. Just the way my brain works I guess. I cried for my friends mom cause she was like my second mom 4 years ago. I cried 2 years ago when my mother in law passed away and for my friend. Anything else has always been nil,I am not the only one out there like this. Now I never want anyone to think I am some cold heartless bastard. If you ever see me with a moment with my kids. I am always teary eyed or pain caused to one of my friends. Makes me wanna crush who ever sent the pain to them. Not too many t.v shows with heart break or happy moments, I always have tears. But for just showing it,I guess I still feel vulnerable at my age to losing what is close to me. Over the years I have lost some people who just thought cause I would not get upset or cry. I was cold as dry ice in every way,so not the case. I was broken the other day like there is no tomorrow. Feelings I knew were there,but not thinking powerful enough to take my thought away,my walking abilities and speech. So everyday we learn things in our life on how we think,feel and what we want. So I guess what I am trying to say is I love all in more ways then one. But will only ever keep a handful close to me and let them get in me. One thing I have never been able to do is mix my emotions with anger. Makes me a dangerous weapon like unstable dynamite. I have never liked that feeling ever. I open up more yearly in so many ways and more. I try to encourage people to love and be close with those they are about. But at times fail my own advice,but who ever said I was perfect is sooo full of shit. I imagine all the pain I went through growing up and being lost has alot to do with it like many others out there. So I have suppressed most feelings in the world now holding onto what I do. So all in all being broken is good for us in alot of ways,even though it may not seem that way til the end. So there you have a little more of a personal story from me. Thanks for reading my work and supporting my page xoxox Rudi Jensen