Losing my vision one day at a time

So recently I started to lose my vision, over the course of a year and a half. My eyes went from 20/20 to shit all. For many different moments over this time I had to be rescued in public as my eyes just went blank and started to burn bad. Taking my vision completely out in every situation. Thinking the burning and lack of colors was nothing more then blurry eyes and tired eyes. I continued like this for about year and a half, until few weeks ago I woke up and to much disappointment I was nearly blind in the morning. Eyes burning and watering bad. Of course as anyone could imagine not only was I in shock, but a little emotional. Eyes are like hands and feet. Much needed especially for the line of work I do. You need to see what you build and with training, I need to see people move and what I create. So that and thinking of my days outside. I made my appointment with the eye doctor, to be emotionally and brutally torn from inside out. Being told I need glasses full time and if I don't care for them, I could go blind in 6 months. It crushed me to hear the news about my eyes, all the years I was on the water with out glasses. Working around welders and steel framing with the flashing from sun. Has burned my eyes to almost non repairable state. So of course they will heal some, but I will slowly lose full vision over time now. Being as active and outdoorsy I am, the first few hours ate me up like a monster in a movie. Thinking of all the things I could lose to ever see again. My daughters growing up and getting married, my grand kids and many more happy times with people. The blue skies, sunsets and sunrises, the waves crashing on the beach. All the fucking birds I adore, thought of all that beautiful stuff I have enjoyed for 44 years. I thought about alot and then some... There are some people I have not seen in years now and dont know if I will see them before I actually get that slowly blindness all the way. Could be 2 days or 10 years. The sheer terror in me actually going to pick frames was just off the wall horrifying experience for me. Trying to hold my shit together in the eye glass place was a chore. Different from what I have ever thought, people not close to me. Would never or have a hard time understanding how active and personal I am and why this hit me like a Tuna fish jumping out of the ocean and slapping me in the face on my boat. So the fear is alive and strong in me. And why this has taken a big hit to my mind and heart. Now my kids, that is hard as when they first started to go a year ago. I first noticed the color in their faces and hair. The smiles were not bright anymore. Not cause they were not happy, because I could not see well. This has all come as a huge brain scatter to me, cause less then 8 months ago. I had laser surgery to give me my vision in my left eye. Vision I had lost since 19, so wow now that is shit...right ? So of course you think why me over and over. Then you ask yourself if the people you have not seen in a while. That parts bothers me, I could wake up tomorrow and not see my kids or love in anyway. So yes I will admit, I had some rough times so far. My glasses now, I got Nike durable frames so I can continue to climb, hike, play sports and lift. Of course I need sun glass prescription ones for water sports. But they are hard getting used to I must say, every building I go into. I go to take them off, so that will take time. And a second bloody pair for reading and close up stuff. That sucks as getting used to, carrying 2 pairs of glasses. While my one daughter was in Australia, I worried I would lose them fully before she got home and my other daughter lives out of province. I wonder, I wonder I tell myself then and now. When will be the last day. Did I have such a shitty upbringing and then changing ways. That now I am punished in every angle by taking my eyes.. So yah that is shitty news, but still manageable they say. I laugh cause daily they are getting worse, without the glasses. I am pretty low in vision now, so we will see if the glasses and the avoiding certain things helps. If not who fuck knows how that will go. I enjoy my writing and reach alot of people, inspire many many daily. I know for a fact I would not be positive for a while. When I think of life now as black shadows and nothing. I get weepy and moody. I can't inspire when or if that day comes. I will need inspiration from everyone else. So anyway my lack of writing blogs lately has come to this matter. I was not really able to see my key board and type without 500 errors every 1500 words ha ha right. Blind bastard you are thinking. Yup maybe one day, I know one thing forsure. Will be a day of heavy meds and tranquilizers when I am told it is permanent. Cause in no way I would take that as a man. But as a savage beast losing my mind, no worries I can't go on a far rampage if I can't see where I am going ha ha right. So I can laugh now about certain things, but first 2 weeks I was on edge really bad. Like a animal from a distant land far off where the blind beast swallows you. Ha ha right. So anyway I have my typing and reading glasses now, so good thing for speech text. Cause it recorded alot of my ramblings, now trying to discover wtf I was trying to say in some of them. That is like someone Chinese talking to me and me having to write down wtf they say. So anyway there you have it. So yah fuck I say.... Rudi Jensen

Be groovy,

Be stellar,

and always

Be YOU.........