My heart attack and its effect on my mind

Hearts, one of the most fragile things around in my opinion. The hurt, they break, they die of with depression along with the mind. Myself I have learned them all now. So in no way I would ever think living a healthy and fit lifestyle. Would I ever think I would hear the words , you have had a Heart Attack Mr. Jensen. But it has just become reality to me now and is not only one of my biggest fears in life. But has wiped out my mind and brought so many emotions to me I have never experienced before. I thought I was inferior and ferocious warrior to say the least. I thought I was untouchable in the health department. Well now writing this a week after it has happened. I am still wtfing every few minutes, I am doing slow on my recovery. Mending ok but not most parts of the day. Heart attack just a week after turning 45. Holy fuck I was thinking and still am like a broken record in my head... Getting old is over rated but not, our bodies go to shit and our organs too. Nobody ever teaches us that part in life, just if you keep healthy. You will be healthy and live longer. Well I have prolonged mine for years and that is myth is rubbish. In no way saying not to be healthy. Just meaning that we can make our bodies look good. But as for organs and the mind, nopers only so much.... So we just learn about it as we go and do the best we can to prolong anything with age. So for many people, they keep up good health, keeps us young and fresh. But with old age, comes old organs and they fail with age. So for nearly 20 years I have kept good health and lived a very active and healthy life style. After this weekend I had so much shit in my head, like wow where does this shit come from. You know when your kid gets in the question part of it. Asking 100 questions every 5 minutes. My head is like that but double numbers and every which seems to be in 50 seconds intervals. The things that have run through my head at the time and since the situtaion are not me. I am normally a happy, go lucky and energetic man. Right now I am a ball of shit mess, working on that part still. The moment of the attack when it happened. You don't have much time to think about anything as you don't know if you make it or not. But you think of everything as it is going on, like death and who you will miss. It came on so powerful and strong, like blunt force trauma to the chest. The pain of the thoughts seemed to be worse then the bone crushing feeling in my chest. The thoughts that we conceive in our heads can and will destroy us. I know that and am trying. Right now I just think that hey no more kayaking solo, climbing, no hiking back country alone. No this and not that. I am in sheer panic and distress in everyway everyday. I am a walking paranoid 200 lb muscle head lost in my own space. Find myself missing what I have lost, the people I have not seen for a while and one's I will never possibly see again. As it is now, my heart is weak like a wet paper bag and I am unable to do much of anything for now. My valve is about as a dud as a old washed up missle. Which to my mind and body, is just sheer panic sending my normal positive thoughts into a brick wall. Anyone can tell you to keep your head up in life, but in reality only over smaller things in life. Almost easily done.. Keeping our heads up is easier to do with smaller news in life. Although a tragic moment at heart or mind. Not so much, can be devastating.. We know our brains can only take so much on that ride. This ride has just begun  and the panic, the worries that come with it are just not me. At the moment any over exerting myself can bring on one again and well shit that not gonna be well. That is scary in its own to have to deal with. The thoughts that run through my head are one's that normally I tell everyone to go about and get rid of. Now I find myself in a mode where I am the one needing to be told to hold my head up high. But everytime I try, I just cry thinking about family and life. I know these are things that are managable in life to some and some not. When we enjoy our lives and have happiness that surrounds us. The unbearable feeling of losing it all is and can easily destroy us as a person. Whether it be permanant or temporary. For me I try to beat the shit out of the negative ones when they come.. Of course I try to keep a good outlook, I would be stupid not to.  I love my life and all with it, but as my heart beats throughout the day. I find myself always asking myself "what ifs " which no doubt is a kick to my own teeth. Lets just say it is so frustrationg to be so fit and active, have all this energy and nothing or nowhere to put it for now. Most of the energy for the first 3 or 4 days that I did have were consumed by my mind beating the shit out of me. In all facts it is the WAIT GAME for the specialist appointment now that rocks my world. The feeling when I look at my kids and what if that thoughts running around, really hard emotionally for me. I sit and wonder if I will make it to my appointment and etc.I could never sit there and put myself into someone else shoes them talking about a heart attack before. Unitl it happened. The few I have spoke to, all said same the thing, the wait game kills your head. Definitely working throughout my days for now. So for me all feels good at most as I look forward to the long and shitty days to come. But better ones after that, so forward and beyond.. So I thought I share that story as has taking me a week to really talk, leave my house, get dressed really and so on. For a guy who inspires and pushes people to be strong and themselves. Sure never thought I find myself on the dirt face first waiting for someone to pick me up. Although I have tones of support and love. But no matter where it is and where it comes from. In my head I am the only one who knows what it is doing to my mind. So I understand now, how I could never get in someone's shoes when talking about tragedy. You just don't get something like that without experience to understand. As shameful as that may sound, true at best. My writing will still resume as my recovery goes on better. Rudi Jensen

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