The struggles with my heart attack recovery

I must say holy fuck this been the hardest thing I ever had to deal with in life. Hardest part about having my heart attacks is putting on my clothes that I had worn before them. Losing 27 lbs is hard to someone who dont wanna lose it. Watching yourself go from a complete beast inside and out. Then boom a softy on the inside and outside. Those close to me see my struggle on the surface, but whats going on the inside. No one can see and that is me dying watching my body lose muscle like its being sliced off with a knife. My clothes are so baggy now compared to before, which is a constant reminder you have hit a point. A point where your mind starts to fog and break down. I lived, trained and worked my ass off for 16 years to create the master piece I adored and was happy about. Now seeing that go, is like a kick to the nuts with a paper cut on my tip. Totally burns you out inside and just burns deep. Yes I am healing and know I am gonna beast the gym again. But fuck me the mind is like a weaponized machine taking you to the bottom of the barrel at free will. For many of you in life know me as peppy and alive. Since the heart attacks it has reshaped the way I think, eat, walk, do activities and sleep. Endless days I spent not sleeping in fear I would die in my sleep. This caused a great deal of stress in our house, our family. As the man that keeps things together. Broke apart and lost himself, a thing I never thought would happen or anyone close to me. I was a complete emotional mess for 2 months. Being how strong minded I thought I was in life. Not so much, nothing but a normal guy, I still have fear a activity I do will take me out. I have the fear in me with this, I have no fear of any other. I have tried to repair my mind through all of this. It is hard as fuck to deal with, not knowing if I will ever have another one or not. As it stands now I have had 3 and do to the virus my surgery was cancelled. So the fear set in like no tomorrow. I wake up daily and all looking positive and peppy, then that dies off as the nervousness sets in for the day. Every step I take is running through my head wondering if that be the step. I try to keep myself occupied daily, but of course that shit don't ever work. I miss ME the most out of all this, it has reshaped how I love, think and act also. With each one I had, it was a longer recovery. I dont wanna see my kids while on a death bed. I wanna see them as much as possible as my future seems less longer then actually thought. Alot of my friends could not handle me down and avoided coming over. Yes I needed that support in every way, but same time I know it be hard to watch someone you look up too. All broken and torn apart, I constantly seek the mind I had before the attacks. Dreaming of me riding my bike, floating in some rapids crashing my kayak through some bad ass places, I dream that I can still run after my kids, grand kids and chase old lady ass in 5 years. As my days pass I find I truly lose some of me with negativity in every degree and angle. I know now after having 3, my heart is gonna break, fail or stop one day. I truly miss people and the things I have not seen or places I have not been in a while. As much as I try not to think the worst, every attack destroys heart muscle. So for me it is hard to think some people and family I will never see again. I do eat better and watch stupid activites I should not do "climbing, kayaking, whitewater, boudering ". I am healing body wise ok, but my mind is the target goal in the end. Right now I am looking at a possible pacemaker or valve repair. With that being said I will be like a bionic man ha ha. My insight thought anyway.. So I dont wish this on everyone, my first one still haunts me like it was 5 minutes ago. These feelings I know will eventually go and take a flying leap, in the meantime. Struggling is it " not by choice. I have spoke with others and tried a support group chat. Not for me to listen to other stories, we all think differently it is simple as that. So how I feel may be somewhat the same, the rest is not. I am more active then the average man or women. Playing all sports, outdoor mountain adventures and so on. Most are not, so dont understand my struggles with that. Or the struggles I wanna see all my kids before that day comes. Although I hate the things I am unable to do now and feel like a fucking snowflake yapping. I know I will be a bionic warrior again and come back even stronger and more dynamic for my future. The surgery up and coming well that in its self is a oh oh to my mind. But I will wait til 48 hrs before to tackle those thoughts.

" Why dwell on the future when its not there yet. Things change daily "

So that being said, I say fuck heart disease, cancer and anything else that takes us out. When you have to learn to program your life all over again. It breaks even the strongest of us no matter what. So I do have a very positive out look, but have just as many fall backs. Like looking at old picutres or looking at my kids. Makes me so emotional deep inside which those thoughts are the only ones I cant handle. Take all my activites away and confine me to a chair, but dont take me away from my kids. Those are deep thoughts I cant ever remove from the weaponized mind we have. So anyway that is part of my struggles recovering. Hard to be hard when your as soft as whsikey dick. Have a stellar day. Rudi