Behind the smile

Behind my smile is the pain I hide,
From years of hurt and what feels like torture.
The heart and mind ripped from inside me.
Leaving everyday feeling like its never ending
Dragging my feet everywhere I go....
Yes scared to be hurt more.
Who would not be..?
As I find myself healing and slowly I must say.
But slowly it may be and maybe even years.
I try and that's all that matters...Right ?
Well I tell myself that time means nothing.
But repairing what I once had might never come,
Understanding that being broken has reshaped me.
To what, is unknown as I am still healing.
Something good I hope for, but will not hold my breath.
Being optimistic is one thing,
Being broken to what seems beyond repair is another.
Of course it keeps my moral down and my energy,
But pride keeps me going.
Life is hard and hurtful,
I never was taught that.
No one was taught about hardships, broken hearts or torn minds.
For now, it is one day at a time seeking new days, ways and beginnings.
I am aware that I am shy, withdrawn and cold.
But that is changing too...
That will all come in due time,
All in all, glad I never rushed the process..

©Rudi Jensen